i_declare_world_peace_1a

All I want for Christmas is….

Ddear-santaear Santa, if you have got a minute please could you read a nice begging letter from a 55 year old who is totally pissd off of getting the obligatory pink t-shirt, body washes and fake jewellery for Christmas not just once but every friggin Christmas.

Don’t people have imaginations any more Santa.. or are you just rehashing last years letter because this lazy lot of mine can’t be arsed to put some thought into what to give me (only joking).. Seriously though, I just have some wishes that would put the icing on the Christmas cake.. :D

Well if you want some ideas… here goes.

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Yep Jamie Oliver… is first on my list…  you see I hate cooking and the cooker hates me.. and so those that arrive don’t have to suffer yet another year of burnt parsnips and lumpy gravy.. please Santa can you make him appear down the chimney on Christmas morning so I don’t have to worry about dinner…

Now at the end of the meal there is the coffee.. oh this is a tough one..  Do I go for the coffee machine or the real thing.. George Clooney himself?  Decisions, decisions, decisions.

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You know the guy from the Tazzimo adverts.. yep George Clooney himself..  Please don’t even bother to leave a Tazzimo machine and not a Christmas message from the Clooney.. cos if you do.. you will have one post menopausal woman, who still has the mood swings and hot flushes, chasing you over the roof tops with a Tazzimo in one hand, screaming and shouting obscenities at you with the sole mission firmly set in her mind of where to shove the Tazzimo which would leave Rudolph with more than a red-nose. There again Santa.. perhaps the Tazzimo without the Clooney might be the better option… it would solve a lot of rows and Rudolph wouldn’t be embarrassed or in pain for that matter, and I can still dream the dream.. can’t I?

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If by any chance, and I want a very good reason, George is not available to deliver the Tazzimo.. then Bruce Willis delivering his Die Hard Blu-Ray Gift Box set will do.. in fact if possible can you shove both of them in my stocking, the blu-rays and Brucie. (and not the Forsyth one otherwise there will be trouble between me and you Santa).. One word of warning though.. failure of delivering or failure to allow me to watch the whole Die Hard Series on Christmas Day could result in Boxing Day being more about punch-ups than Cold meat, mash and pickles.

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Plenty of this stuff.. yes Christmas is not Christmas without Snow… Scrooge on the TV and up until the BBC decided that Top of the Pops was no longer the in thing… a good dosing of the charts and the Christmas number 1 blaring out just before the Queen gives us her annual.. ‘Thank you peeps for keeping me in the luxury I deserve’ speech. Plus with this stuff falling by the bucket load.. I won’t have a houseful to have to wait on and I can sit all snuggled up on the sofa with my dinner on my lap, kindly cooked by Jamie, in my next gift…

christmas jammies'

Yep I want a set of these.. with the other half having a matching set.. Why should I look like an idiot alone :D  And I promise you Santa.. I won’t take to the streets singing the Christmas Jammies’ song.  Because I know for a fact I would likely be arrested for Breach of the Peace…

Knowing my luck I won’t get George delivering the Tazzimo.. I won’t get Bruce and I bet you a fiver I end up with the Jammie’s.. So I might as well ask for them now.. then the twat who has bought them for me .. won’t feel bad… when I open them up and try my hardest to fake a smile… and say.. ‘Just what I always wanted, how did you know it was on my Santa list?’.

And if by luck you do read this letter, and Bruce and George are all tied up with ‘Merry Christmas’ paper and bows and thrills do you know what..

i_declare_world_peace_1a

Whilst singing to you Santa…

Because you know a way to a girl’s heart. :D

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