I still can’t get over losing you


I have only known grief like this once before and that was when my Dad died.  There is not a day that goes by when I don’t think of you and well up inside and have to fight the tears back.

Even now, as I am writing this post, the tears are falling… I miss you so much.

To think that I took this photo on the 17th July 2012 and you were as fit as a fiddle and two weeks later we had to make the decision to have you put to sleep, is still hard to take in.  What happened I still find incomprehensible.  How could you just deteriorate in such a short space of time?

I love the two little pups, we have given home to, so much and wouldn’t want to part with them.. but I also want something I can’t have and that is you back in my life.

Believe it or not, it is only last weekend that I could finally empty my Dyson, your fur was in there and I just couldn’t bring myself to throw it away.  That poor hoover was struggling to pick up things where it was so chocker but it took hell of a lot to even contemplate emptying the dust bag.  And then I couldn’t do it, your dad had to. He misses you like crazy too.

People say it is only a dog.. but you see, you depended on me, you depended me on me to keep you safe and to feed you and love you… and my god did I love you…. more than you could ever imagine.

Since you went to Rainbow Bridge, I have heard of two other dogs joining you and their owners cut down with grief.  I can understand their pain and they can understand mine.  Talking to another lady, who has just lost her dog,  has helped me slightly and it has made me realise that I wasn’t going mad or being silly because, you see, she feels the same.  You would like her Bo.. she is so kind and understanding, even though her heart is aching as well.

You see, she understands how I feel and I understand how she feels.. and it is helping in its small way.

Stewie and Dumpling are wonderful and keep me occupied, and they are a pleasure to have and are very loving and I love them to bits.  But for you, there will always be that special place in my heart.  Maybe, it is because I had to save your bacon so many times, with the naughty things you did.

Remember when you nearly electrocuted us by licking the plug in the bedroom until sparks and a hissing sound was emerging from the socket. And when I was calling you and you were sitting in next-doors garden where you had eaten through the fence panel.  Not forgetting the three wooden planters you ate and the craters you dug in the garden, but I would give my right arm to have you back with us, destroying the fence and eating the shed.

You would love Stewie and Dumpling, they can get into mischief just like you used to be able to.  They can cause mayhem and I can see you in them and Stewie has a couple of your characteristics.

Grief is horrible, I just wish someone would switch my aching heart off at times.. You might have only been a dog in some people’s eyes, but you weren’t in mine.  You were my little boy and as the story of Rainbow Bridge goes, one day we will be together again.. forever. Until then …. never forget that I love and miss you.

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. Victoria says:

    I am sitting here reading this with tears streaming down my face as I fully understand your sense of loss and sadness. I too, lost my best friend on the 27th of August and like Bo, my beautiful girl was absolutely fine, but just two hours before she had to be put to sleep.

    I have cried many times, each and every day since then and like yourself, Bren, I too have a new puppy, who is beautiful, but I long for the dog I have just lost. In time I know that I will love this little one as he is very cute and really quite similar to my girl, but right now I want her and that is not going to happen.

    You have to love animals the way we do to appreciate how we feel right now but to be honest, I really do not care what anyone thinks. I loved that dog for over twelve years and the pain of losing her, I know will not leave me easily. I keep expecting her to run out to greet me when I come home, or to follow me into the kitchen to see what she could scrounge from me, oh how I long for those days.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us and I have a feeling that I might just be one of the dog owners you were referring to in your blog. xx

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    1. Victoria says:

        but just two hours before she had to be put to sleep.
      this should have read, as but just two hours later she had to be put to sleep.

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    2. Bren says:

      Hi Victoria, yes I was referring to you and you are right you have to love animals like we do to fully understand.  And I don’t care what people think either.  Bo used to have to come to bed with us at night, because he was a night barker if left downstairs.  And that is when I miss him, when I get up to go to the loo and he is not beside my side of the bed.  I miss him not charging into the side of the bed to wake us up.  It is silly things.. at the moment these pups can’t go right through the night but I know when they do they will have the full run of the house and I expect them to follow me to bed.

      Have a nice weekend Victoria. xx

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      1. Victoria says:

         Hey Bren
        I hope that you had a nice weekend with your new family members.

        We had a noisy one with quite a few “mad half hours” with this pup running around at top speed all over the place. He seems to be scared of coming down the stairs, is fine going up but coming down he seems afraid but then he is only 11 weeks old, so we can’t expect miracles.

        I miss Lucy coming out to meet me when I come home from doing the shopping, I miss her lying at my feet when I watch telly downstairs, I miss her following me into the kitchen EVERY single time I went there, I miss every single thing about her but most of all I miss that face. A beautiful trusting face of a dog who knew I had her back every day. The head going from side to side when I spoke to her and the tail battering off the floor in the morning when I said “Where’s my girl”.  I miss her terribly and even although we have this new pup, who I know I will learn to love, Lucy has left a gaping hole in my life and I am finding it very difficult without her.

        Thank you for being there and for listening to me. I have found out recently what nice friends I truly have,  the ones who understand and the ones who think, that she was just a dog!….xxVic.

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        1. Bren says:

          We had a glorious weekend.. the two little terrors were in full swing.  When my hubbie did the kitchen he put led lights into the kick-boards, well on one of the cupboards, there is a small kick-board that is only held on by one clip on the leg, so you can swivel it… yes Dumpling found it and chewed through the light.  

          I saw her the other day trying to get behind that kick-board so I turned the lights off and unplugged that one.. good job I did because she bit clean through the wire… OH said she would have been OK as there was no power there if they are switched off.

          Another repair job ..

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  2. Victoria says:

    Oh dear Bren, that could have been a nasty shock had you not unplugged that light!
    Like my pup, your two sound like a lot of fun and energy, a bit too much energy for me actually, but we will get there, no doubt. 🙂

    I would like to thank you too Bren, because although a lot of people were sympathetic towards me and left me lovely messages, you actually went through the same thing at the same time, so knew precisely how I was feeling. It has done me some good being able to talk about it like this and not feel daft doing so, so thank you for that..xx Vic.x

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    1. Bren says:

      Morning Vic, how is pup doing… I know they have so much energy… my two have learnt now to create havoc in two separate places.  Up until then they would both be in the same thing.. now one is off causing mayhem in one place and the other in another place.  I was so tired the other day I feel asleep and woke up to half the garden in the kitchen.. they had a field day.. branches, twigs, lumps of mud and grass.  
      Two blonde retrievers were actually black where they had been digging and enjoying themselves.  It soon cleaned up though.  Yes talking to you has helped me too, still get my days when I can’t stop thinking of him and wanting him back so much.. but I am now beginning to be able to talk about him without breaking down so much.

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