When someone you don’t even know dies and their death has such a profound effect on your own feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions that you hoped you had bottled up and stored away never to see the light of day ever again, start to surface just as raw and as cutting as they did when you first suffered such heartache.
A person I know, can’t help but shed a tear for a man she never ever met… He made her laugh, he made her cry and his death has stirred a hornets nest of suppressed emotions, that they thought were stored away so tightly that they would never ever again see the light of day yet alone have such a great impact on them.
This person openly admits, that at times things can get them down… They can become very emotional and sad. At times they don’t want to open the curtains because to do so would bring the light in and they just feel that they want to stay on the dark side of everything.
They have had to deal with emotional scars and have their crosses to bear, like losing a father whose ground they totally worshipped, dealing with an elderly relative, going through a divorce and even though they have found happiness, like they never knew before, sometimes, like this when a person dies, those memories come flooding back and the haunting of all those sad and traumatic times starts all over again.
They ask themselves, why do they weep for someone they don’t even know? Could it be that they feel they are reliving that time when they had to say goodbye to someone they loved so much, whether it be a human or a pet, through another person’s death? This person asks themselves, so many questions as to why they feel so down and so alone at times and feels too damn scared to talk to another person, just in case they show their weakness to others and get laughed at. They question their life, could they have done things different? If they did do this instead of that, would this have happened to them? Would they have become ill, is their illness a punishment for something they did? So many questions, yet no definitive answers.
And the things, they did once in the life, that they regret each day and show remorse for still haunt them, like it was happening all over again. People say, ‘You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about, you’ve put right the wrongs,’ or ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it, it’s in the past, concentrate on the future.’ That is the trouble sometimes, you just can’t turn that corner so easily, simply , because you still feel the guilt laying heavily on your shoulders.
When dark or sombre moods surround this person, it has a dramatic effect not just on their mind but on their health as well. The normal aches and pains they suffer day in and day out, they say more painful. The pain seems to intensify. They say it is a fight at times to be cheerful one, the loyal one, the supportive one or the one that has all the answers. And they feel guilty, when they just can’t deal with another person’s problem. They say they feel like they are letting everyone down, yet they don’t have the courage to tell a person, that they need help themselves at times and therefore can’t help at the moment.
It is at times too much, they say, for them to dig their way out of this dark hole, which is made harder for them by the health problems they suffer. They have said, they look back on what they could do, and what they can now do, and wish those days of energy and strength was with them now… And not the days of just about feeling capable enough of getting out of the bed in the morning. Ill-health, they say, plays a heavy part in why they feel down at times.
They look at people, people who are fit and living life like they once knew, and feel so despondent that they can never ever be like that again.
This person has told me, that they live with the guilt and feel a burden to those around them, because they can’t do what they used to do and they need help. They say, the dark days are only now and then and there is a great deal of days when things don’t get them down; but when those days are dark, they are truly dark, without a glimmer of light. Even though, they say they have the most helpful spouse going and a spouse that does what they can to help and takes them to nice places, they still feel that they are a hindrance at times.
Now and again, this person suffers with depression, and they understand how a person feels when they say they could be surrounded by people yet still feel very much alone. And they suffer it in silence, and give themselves a good stern talking to and they refuse to let the depression get hold of them, which takes every ounce of strength they have. And thank their blessings that they have such a strong character… Because if they hadn’t god knows where they would be?
And they know exactly what is causing their depression at times. And that is ill-health, yes the medication solves the health issues and sometimes that medication can make them feel ill with the side-effects. So ill at times, that they feel like just giving up and stopping all the medication and take their chances. Will they ache more? They ask could by stopping all the medication that has rotten side-effects, shorten their life span? They don’t know. But what they do know is that they have to be strong and fight the depression, when it starts to get hold of them. This person openly admits, if they didn’t, it could easily spiral out of control.
This person says when depression is caused by your job… People can change their job. When it is caused by money problems, there are opportunities out there to increase your income or get help with debt problems. But when it is caused by ill-health, no amount of money in the world will take that away.
This person I am referring to, is ME.
I suffer from Polymyalgia Rheumatica and Diabates caused by steroid treatment. And I have written a book about how Polymyalgia Rheumaticas has affected me.