This wonderful person above, is the lady who gave life to me… who raised me up and was there at every twist and turn of my life. I miss her terribly… and just wish I could have just 5 more minutes with her to tell her how much I love her… but that is not to be.
Grief, is a strange thing you know! Whilst thinking of my mum and writing this, the tears start to flow again.
However, my coping mechanism is to shut things out of my mind. To me that is the only way I can cope. If I think too much and delve too deep into my emotions, then I will probably become a blubbering wreck.
That is something my mum, wouldn’t want.
So should I be ashamed that I am not this blubbering wreck?
Should I feel that I am disrespectful for not thinking of her every second of the day?
Should I be inconsolable?
To be perfectly honest I don’t know. But one thing I do know is my mum would want me to carry on with my life. She wouldn’t want me inconsolable… she wouldn’t want me to create a shrine in her memory.
By shutting things out.. does it make me a cold heartless bitch? I suppose to some people, yes it does! But sorry if I don’t conform to your grieving process and how you expect me to grieve but this is the only way I know how to cope.
Do I miss my mum? … Of course I bloody well do.
Do I miss seeing her writhe in pain? No I don’t and I suppose that is where my mind is getting its peace from. Peace from the fact that I know she is no longer in pain. My mum is now pain-free and that within its self is consolation for me.
And no I am not going to apologise for the way I am grieving and because I am not making such an issue of my loss. Life has taught me and given me a few hard knocks and one thing I have learnt in this journey… be true to yourself. Don’t be a bloody hypocrite.
If I decide to completely shut things out.. that is my decision to make, not yours. And no it is not being disrespectful. Each and every one of us has the right to grieve how we choose.
And if my grieving this way makes some people see me as a cold heartless bitch.. then tough.